The Interplay Between Codependency and Eating Disorders
Written by ‘Ai Pono Hawaii Staff Writer
Early eating disorder recovery is tough. It’s worth it, but it may not always feel like it. Without your usual coping mechanisms, you are likely to experience distress or discomfort. At some point, you may start seeking anything outside yourself to find something to make yourself feel better. This includes getting into a relationship.
“Love” is a great feeling. It seems like the perfect way to feel better, and to avoid being alone with your own thoughts and feelings. There are many kinds of relationships that might seem to help you. New friends, especially ones from treatment, sound like a great idea, right? However, this is not always the case.
In this article, we’ll discuss:
What codependency is and what it looks like
Traits of codependent individuals
Types of codependent relationships
Why codependency and eating disorders are dangerous, and end up being a setback in your recovery
How to determine whether you’re in a toxic relationship
How to begin codependency recovery
It makes sense to crave something outside of yourself to ease the discomfort that comes with recovery. But you have to decide which relationships will cause more damage in the long run, and weed them out.
Defining Codependency: Origins and Presentation
Codependency is a term used to describe individuals who are extremely preoccupied and dependent on another person — physically, mentally, and/or emotionally. Codependency is a relationship dependence on a specific person. It’s a psychological concept related to those who feel dependent upon another person, and feel responsible for the emotions and actions of those loved ones.
Signs of Codependency
Codependency might show up in the following ways:
Having little to no boundaries with others
Fixating on your mistakes
Having a need for control, especially over others
Feeling the need to be liked
Denying your own thoughts, feelings, and needs
Feeling compelled to take care of people
Having difficulty communicating with honesty
Confusing love and pity, with a tendency to “love” people they can rescue
Showing a fear of abandonment
Rigidity and having a difficult time managing change
Difficulty making decisions
Finding your self-worth outside of yourself
Who is more likely to become codependent?
Codependency is commonly thought to manifest in individuals who have been in an unstable environment, especially in traumatic ones during childhood. It was originally studied in association with children of alcoholic parents. However, codependency can occur in individuals with certain character traits, and within those who exist in chronically stressful environments.
Related: Trauma and Eating Disorders: What’s the Link?
Characteristics that are strongly correlated with codependency include:
Low self-esteem
Familial dysfunction
Depression
Anxiety
Stress
Low emotional expressivity
These codependent tendencies overlap with those of borderline personality disorder, as well as eating disorders.
Types of Codependent Relationships
Codependent, toxic relationships are not reserved for romantic partners. Other kinds of toxic relationships include:
Friendships from eating disorder treatment that trigger you both, or put one of you in the position to “save” the other
New or past friendships that are extremely one-sided, and may be counterproductive to your recovery
Relationships with family members who are suffering from chronic physical and/or mental illness
Friendships from treatment are particularly difficult relationships to navigate. Many treatment facilities do not encourage those in treatment to remain friends outside of a treatment setting. This is because it is very easy for two individuals to drag each other back into eating disorder tendencies, often because one person is focusing outside of themselves as opposed to maintaining their own recovery.
This is a dangerous form of codependency, as the relationship can throw both individuals off of the road to recovery.
Codependency and Eating Disorders
Codependency involves doing something and receiving a rush of endorphins so that you want to do that thing over and over again. Many of the traits of people with codependency are often also present in individuals with eating disorders. It is not hard to imagine that one could move between these two disordered behaviors.
Here are some reasons why with an eating disorder behaviors might turn to codependency:
Low Levels of Dopamine: You feel the need for a “high”, a source of joy.
During those early stages (and even later) of eating disorder recovery, your sense of stability and, in some way, your source of joy, are being stripped away from you.
You might look outside of yourself to find another source of joy, including a new relationship. That “love” becomes a distraction or escape from your own difficult emotions. Most treatment centers advise against a new romantic relationship for at least a year after starting recovery.
Low Self-Esteem: You don’t realize that you deserve more.
Low self-esteem is strongly related to eating disorders. You don’t see yourself as being valuable enough for positive, two-sided relationships anywhere in your life, and fall into unhealthy relationships because of this self-perception.
Loneliness: You’re trying to fill the void.
Many people lose relationships with friends and family because of an eating disorder. Eating disorders cause people to isolate themselves, lie to others, and lash out against those trying to help. During the recovery process, you may feel all alone. To ease your loneliness, you might befriend or get into a romantic relationship with anyone and everyone, regardless of whether they are constructive ones that are good for your recovery.
Why is the relationship between codependency and eating disorders dangerous for your recovery?
People in codependent relationships focus so much on others that they do not take the time to define themselves. They have no sense of self without others. It’s impossible to be by yourself if you are always seen as a part of someone else.
It’s also impossible to hone in on your recovery if you’re always catering to others. If you’re spending all your energy controlling others and improving their emotions, you’re too exhausted to worry about your own problems. It’s hard to express your own emotions if you’re too focused on listening to others.
That fear of abandonment can drive you to do things that you are uncomfortable with. If a romantic partner expresses disappointment with weight gain, or judges you based on what you’re eating, you might turn back to eating disorder behaviors to please them. If friends are not willing to acknowledge your struggles and be there to support you, you might just repress your emotions and problems entirely to avoid “inconveniencing” them.
If you are abandoned, or you feel ashamed for “failing” someone, you might turn to behaviors to cope with those hard emotions. Because you have difficulties expressing your emotions in a healthy way, this creates a cycle of shame and disappointment.
Related: Here is how to express your emotions without relating them to food or body image.
Treating Codependency
These things will help nurture positive, balanced relationships:
Take small steps to distance yourself from your codependent relationships.
Find a hobby or activity that you enjoy outside of a relationship.
Spend time with supportive family and friends.
Recognize that you are not helping the other person in your relationship by enabling or catering to them.
Another key part of ending codependency is ending toxic, one-sided relationships. To do this, you have to first decide which relationships are worth keeping, and which are not.
Ask yourself: Is this a toxic relationship?
In every relationship, ask yourself:
Are you unable to find satisfaction in your life outside of the relationship?
Do you recognize behaviors that are unhealthy to themselves or to you, and stay with them in spite of this?
Are you supporting the other person in your relationship at the cost of your own physical, mental, and/or emotional well-being?
If you answer “yes” to these questions, and/or show these signs of codependent relationships, then strongly consider ending the relationship.
Related: Here’s how to find your recovery tribe, a group of people who connect with you and support you in your recovery.
You may feel more alone after ending toxic relationships, but you will find more supportive people to help you along the path to recovery.
If you or a loved one is suffering from an eating disorder, take the first step today and talk to someone about recovery or simply learn more about the holistic eating disorder recovery programs we offer.