How to Self-Advocate for Your Needs in Eating Disorder Recovery
Written by ‘Ai Pono Hawaii Staff Writer
We all have needs, but some people struggle more to communicate them than others. This is especially true for people with eating disorders, despite the fact that they will probably have to self-advocate for their needs more than the average person.
With that in mind, this post will tell you:
What assertive communication and self-advocacy are
Why it’s so difficult for people with eating disorders to voice their needs
How and why to advocate for your needs in recovery
You deserve good things — including help for your eating disorder — even if your eating disorder voice tries to convince you otherwise.
Defining Assertive Communication and Self-Advocacy
Assertive communication is the ability to speak and interact with others in a way that respects their rights and opinions while also standing up for your own rights, needs, and boundaries. It’s a way of communicating that allows you to ask for what you need and deny the requests of others without causing significant distress or risking your relationship.
Self-advocacy is the ability to effectively identify and convey your needs to the right people. To self-advocate, you need to have some idea of what’s wrong and what may help.
Why is assertive communication important for eating disorder recovery?
It’s the only way to tell other people what you need.
Unfortunately, the people around you can’t read minds. They won’t always understand what you need, what’s okay to talk about and what triggers you, when you need space and when you need support, etc.
You will only be able to get what you need if you let others know.
You don’t have to express your emotions through your actions.
A lot of people with an eating disorder will use their body and their actions to express what’s going on inside. They might try to shrink their body as a way to tell others they are struggling, or that they need help.
Instead of trying to use your body as a means of communication, you can learn how to speak your truth with your words.
Assertive communication will minimize the amount of time you spend stuck in your eating disorder, and allow you to ask for help long before anyone else “picks up” on the fact that you do need something.
You build and maintain meaningful relationships.
Once you start recovery, your relationships — and your view on relationships — will change. Some people may not understand your needs, while others may want to support you, but don’t know how to.
To build and maintain meaningful relationships, you have to assert your needs, both for your recovery and in general. You have to let them know what kind of topics are okay to talk about, and what things are off-limits. You also need to clearly define boundaries, and stand your ground if they are not respected.
Why do people with eating disorders struggle to voice their needs?
Low Self-Esteem
Low self-esteem often overlaps with eating disorders. Sometimes, a person develops an eating disorder, in part, because of low self-esteem and low self-worth. At other times, self-esteem is lowered by an eating disorder voice.
Either way, people with low self-esteem may believe they are not worthy of love, or help, or of eating disorder recovery. Then, they don’t voice their needs.
Perfectionism
Many people with eating disorders are perfectionists. In fact, perfectionism is a personality trait that puts a person at a higher risk for an eating disorder.
Perfectionists often don’t want to admit that they can’t do everything on their own, or that they struggle with their mental health.
Perfectionists in eating disorder treatment may not want to admit that they’re “failing” at recovery, so they will omit details or even outright lie in therapy sessions. (You can’t “fail” at recovery, by the way. Recovery isn’t linear, and some moments will be harder than others.)
Never Learned How to Communicate
Many people with eating disorders may have parents or caretakers who never spoke candidly about their feelings, or asked about the needs and feelings of others.
You may not have ever been asked what you needed as a child, so you never learned how to tell others what you need. Because of that, you may simply “go with the flow.”
There are many reasons why you may have trouble communicating. But learning how to recognize and voice your needs in eating disorder recovery is an excellent way to practice assertiveness and self awareness.
How to Self-Advocate in Eating Disorder Recovery
When it comes to eating disorder treatment, there are a lot of times you may need to advocate for yourself. You might:
Need more, less, or a different kind of support than your treatment providers are currently offering
Need to demonstrate to insurance providers that you need a certain level of care, or more time in treatment
Believe another form of therapy might be more helpful for you
Want to focus on a different issue, one that you think is more relevant to your life
Believe you are ready to step down to a lower level of care, or that you need to step up to a higher level of care
In your everyday life, you might need to advocate for your needs in school or set boundaries at home.
What are some ways to practice self-advocacy?
1. Recognize that you deserve good things, and that you deserve help when you need it.
If a friend needed help, or to set a boundary, you’d tell them that they deserve those things, right? You deserve the same things your friends do. You are not a “bad person” for needing to rely on others or for having needs in general.
2. Prepare to self-advocate in advance.
Whether you are advocating to your treatment team for a change in your treatment plan, or to a teacher for an extension on classwork you may have missed due to treatment or an overloaded schedule, you need to be prepared.
Write down exactly what your current problems or requests are and what you need to help resolve these problems. Also write down why you need these things, and why the solution you propose is a reasonable one.
For example, if you’re asking to move up or down a level of care in treatment, write down why you need to change your current level of care, and why the solution you propose (moving up or down, depending on your needs) is a good idea.
3. Find a time to self-advocate.
Don’t simply run up to your parent, teacher, therapist, or whoever you are making a request from and start talking about your problems.
Find a time to sit down and talk. For example, you might sit down to talk in a therapy session, during your teacher’s office hours, or an intentional meeting with a loved one.
Try to talk to them in a low-stress environment. This will most likely mean outside of a meal, to lower any distress levels around eating habits.
4. Use the '“DEARMAN” skill to assert your needs.
One of the core parts of DBT is interpersonal effectiveness. You use the DEARMAN skill to have an effective interaction and get what you want out of a conversation.
DEARMAN stands for:
Describe: Clearly and concisely describe the situation, without judgment.
Express: Use “I” statements to express your emotions.
Assert: Clearly state what you want or need. Be specific with your requests.
Reinforce: Reward the other person if they respond well to your request with something like a smile, “thank you,” or another kind gesture.
Mindfulness: Be mindful of your goal and don’t get distracted or emotionally distressed. Remain present in the moment.
Appear Confident: Use body language to appear confident, such as standing up straight and making eye contact if possible. Do this even if you really don’t feel confident.
Negotiate: If you don’t immediately get exactly what you want, be willing to compromise. Stay conscious of what you are not willing to change, though.
Stay as present and as calm as possible, and remember this skill when you confront someone.
If you or someone you love is suffering from an eating disorder, take the first step today and talk to someone about recovery, or simply learn more about the holistic eating disorder recovery programs we offer.