It’s not easy to watch someone you care about struggle with an eating disorder. You might feel unsure of what to say, afraid of saying the wrong thing, or worried that your concern will push them further away. They may be working toward recovery, avoiding the subject entirely, or somewhere in between.
What matters most is showing up with care, even when you don’t have the perfect words. Support isn’t about fixing the problem; it’s about building trust, making space, and staying connected through something that can feel isolating for everyone involved.
These four conversations won’t cover everything, but they offer a starting point for showing up in ways that are supportive, informed, and attuned.
1. Talk About Food Without Judgment
It can be hard to know what to say—or what not to say—when you’re sitting at a table with someone who has an eating disorder. But one of the most important things you can do is to approach food neutrally. Avoid making comments about what or how much someone is eating, even if it’s meant to be encouraging. This includes things like “I’m glad you’re eating more today” or “Are you sure that’s enough?” Even well-intentioned remarks can trigger shame, pressure, or resistance.
This is especially important for people with ARFID (Avoidant/Restrictive Food Intake Disorder), where food avoidance may stem from texture aversions, sensory issues, or past trauma, not body image concerns. Labeling someone as “picky,” joking about their limited food choices, or pushing them to “just try it” can deepen shame and make eating feel even more overwhelming.
Instead, focus on creating an environment where food is not the center of scrutiny. Be present. Eat alongside them if invited. Respect preferences and boundaries without drawing attention to them. Trust that healing takes time, and your quiet steadiness may speak louder than anything you say.
2. Leave Bodies Out of the Conversation
It might seem obvious not to comment on the body of someone struggling with an eating disorder, but it bears repeating. Even well-meaning remarks like “you look so healthy now” can be experienced as loaded or distressing. They suggest that recovery looks a certain way, or that bodies are only acceptable in specific forms.
But body commentary doesn’t just show up in direct conversations with the person who is struggling. Complimenting someone else’s weight loss, talking about your own appearance, or making offhand jokes about “summer bodies” or “winter weight” sends a broader message: that we’re all being evaluated. That what we weigh is always on the table.
Because ’Ai Pono is based in Hawaiʻi, we know these pressures aren’t seasonal. In beach communities, conversations about bodies and appearance happen year-round. But wherever you live, stepping away from body talk can create a rare and meaningful space—a chance for someone to simply be, without commentary.
3. Acknowledge Fear Without Centering Yourself
It can be deeply painful to witness someone you care about struggling with an eating disorder. You might feel anxious, helpless, or scared. You might want to tell them how serious it is, how worried you are, or how much it hurts to watch them suffer.
That instinct comes from love, but it’s important to notice when your fear is becoming the focus of the conversation. When concern shifts into panic or pressure, it can make the other person feel responsible for your emotions instead of supported in their own experience. It may even increase feelings of guilt, shame, or isolation.
There’s nothing wrong with being honest about how much you care. But grounding that honesty in a calm presence, rather than urgency, can make it easier for your loved one to stay open, not shut down. Statements like “I want to understand what this feels like for you” or “I’m here, even if I don’t always know what to say” can be far more impactful than pleading for change.
4. Expand What You Know and How You Learn
Educating yourself about eating disorders is one of the most valuable things you can do as a loved one. That includes reading reliable resources, learning about neurological responses to food and body image, and understanding the historical and cultural factors that shape these illnesses. If you’re not sure where to start, this post on the brain and body and this look at the history of eating disorders are two helpful places.
But education doesn’t stop with articles or expert advice. Sometimes the most important insights come from the person in front of you. Ask questions. Listen closely. Let them tell you what their experience has been like—even if it’s hard to hear, even if it changes your assumptions.
It might feel easier to learn about eating disorders in general than to stay present with the pain and complexity of your loved one’s specific story. But that presence is its own kind of knowledge. It tells them they don’t have to manage this alone, and that even when things feel uncertain, you are willing to keep showing up.
In Summary: What to Say—and What Not to Say
Supporting someone with an eating disorder is deeply personal, often confusing, and never one-size-fits-all. There’s no perfect script, but there are more thoughtful ways to engage; ways that avoid shame, center the person’s experience, and make room for discomfort without abandoning connection.
If you’re unsure how to help someone with anorexia, or with any eating disorder, know that words can either reinforce stigma or offer relief. When in doubt, lead with respect, curiosity, and care. Keep asking, listening, and learning. Your consistency might matter more than anything you say.If you or someone you care about is struggling with an eating disorder, know that help is available, and recovery is possible. Reach out to get started today.
